I'm Learning...!!!

Why am i feeling this way today??? Whats going on in my life. I thought of putting my cell phone off to shut myself out from all. But cant do that as my cell phone is connected to the office telephone board for emergencies. damn..!!! I cant run away either. Loads of things on my head at the moment. I'm listening to my only true friend. My music. But its not helping me either. What is bothering me? I cant really understand. My exams are on my head. Is that the real cause?That is not that I am worried about or thinking about today. Then...???? I have friends from all over India. My phone bills are soaring. But I'm still calling them to seek a piece of happiness. But it is still not making me happy today. I call them as I feel like talking to them. But they don't reciprocate the way I want them to. But I get utterly disturbed if they do not return the call or for that matter when they do not call by themselves. Is it that they are not intrested in being friends with me? Or am i with the wrong people? Or is it the wrong timing? Or is it the nature of me thats causing them to do so. I guess all the three contribute in my case. I'm learning not to get disturbed if they dont call. Im learning not to worry if I dont return a call. But my nature does not allow me to just leave them or stop calling because they don't call. My conscience is not allowing me to do so. Because its not me! However, its time to revive the resolution that I had kept at the beginning of this year. Its time to shed some unwanted friends...!!!! Its a good adage "Sometimes its good to let go" As, "these friends" are so much involved in their lives that they hardly will bother if I dont call them or if I forget them. I'm "learning" not to get disturbed when they dont reciprocate. Thats one part over. Decided.

But what about today? I feel like shutting my self up and going "underground" for sometime. May be that will help me get my solace. What does all this mean. All I want to do today is to relax like the old times. I just want to leave aside all the worries and the formalities and shed the skin of a "banavati" me. I want to be me today. The way i used to enjoy with my pals in mumbai without any thoughts that who is thinking what of whom. Just enjoying the moments with them. Not thinking whether its a girl or a boy or what should I be talking or doing keeping in mind the gender. I just want to enjoy the way I want to. I want some genuine friends around me who are like me and enjoy like me. But my situation is not helping me at all. All the people at office dont do things that i like doing. The place where i spend one third of my day. So, I guess its the curse of growing old that I have to "behave like an adult" or "be mature" ALL the time. The good times can't be with me forever. I can't be the way I was then ALWAYS. But I'm learning. I'm learning to stop bothering them who cant accept me the way that I am ...!!!! And also learning to stop bothering myself if I happen to LOOSE them. I guess, its my way or the highway.
Fin.